Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Blended Families
Every New Years Day I make a resolution; THIS is THE YEAR I'm going to lose my extra 10 pounds! Only to find myself every New Years Eve still holding out hope that those ten pounds will magically disappear at the stroke of midnight! Then there's my 7 resolutions I make as a Wife, Mom and StepMom that bears repeating year after year. Following them religiously makes my life as a Blended Wife and Mama a much happier one.
1. Give your StepKids a break when they screw up from time to time.
Brain Surgery Part 1:
You go through life making choices all day long. Lots of small ones and on occasion some really BIG ones - like what to make for dinner. Ok, I struggle with that one quite often, but honestly I'm talking the really important decisions; the ones we make for our children. What school should I send my little angel to next fall? When can they go on their first date? Should I get divorced?
HersHisandOurs.com - Monday-Morning-Quarterback
As a divorced Mom, married to a Man with Kids, I've had the benefit(drama/pain in the ass) of most of my decisions second guessed and debated by the Monday Morning Quarterback - an Ex Spouse, their current Spouse, Ex Wives and their current spouse........ Then you answer the phone one afternoon and realize that none of those decisions really mattered. Whatever control you thought you had when it came to your kids was all just an illusion.
When we started our Blended Family, the kid's therapist recommended we do a baseline IQ test of our three youngest. The reasoning? Many times over the years she had witnessed teachers and administrators easily label kids if their square peg learning style didn't fit into a school's round whole approach. Little to do with a kids intelligence level, more of a way to make a kid the problem when their teaching style wasn't working.
Five years ago Dick threw Elle out of his house in a drunken rage - telling her to never come back. She never did. They had not talked since that day until two weeks ago.
A few months back I was drawn into Fawn Weaver talking about her book Happy Wives Club. I remember thinking at the time that a Happy Wife - Happy Marriage is universal no matter the number attached to the front of your marriage.
When I hit my 15th anniversary last week I decided like any good wife to crack open this book to reaffirm just what a Happy Wife I am and the The Happy Marriage Raylan and I share.
Every word and sentiment seemed to resonate with me until I was struck hard by the words from a Husband in a happy, long term marriage - a sentiment shared with the author:
If you marry the right person - marriage isn't work.
My third Mother's Day, my Ex Husband Dick was living with his girlfriend(now former wife) who he had bestowed upon her the title of MOM to our daughter. I had unceremoniously been demoted to the Lisa (The Pesky Bio Mom he tolerated thanks to the legal system). That particular Mother Day's fell on my Ex Husband's weekend. Which made me all the more adamant that I would get MY time with My daughter on that one Sunday in May if it killed me.
I've-been-lucky-to-be-apart-of-raising-three-kids. One Bio - Two Step. Hers-His-And-Ours.
I was laser focused on proving to myself - to my Ex Husband - to his Wife and anyone that would listen really that I was in fact THE MOM. What better way to do that than on the one day designed specifically for Mom's - Mother's Day! Showcase my Momness while the world is watching.
Am I pretty? People tell me I'm ugly. I just want to know. Answer in the comments below.
Learning-To-Love-Myself. My-Reflection-In-The-Mirror. One beautiful teen girl after another appears on screen in a Dove #Beautyis video asking the question. The desperation in their voices is heartbreaking especially considering they're asking complete strangers to weigh in by commenting below.
If ONLY Mom and Dad had stayed married........My life would have been PERFECT! Those words rolled off the lips of my step son Chris with such ease during his five year stay in our home. His parents had divorced when he was six years old and his Mother had firmly planted in his mind that a life of perfection had been snatched from him thanks to the divorce. And you remember who wanted the divorce? Right?
Dad.
Hers, His and Ours. Perfection - Finding-Beauty-In-The-Cracks-And-Broken-Pieces
If you happened at some point to peak over at my About Master Blender page, you know that I'm kind of what you would call an exercise nut. Not in the typical sense. I mean, I really don't like to exercise, but I have subscriptions to every women's exercise magazines you can think of. I find enjoyment in reading about others who like, perhaps even love exercise. But the true reason I call myself an exercise nut, is that I love buying and wearing not just exercise clothing, but you know clothing for the "active" person.
Hers, His and Ours. How "Fake It Till You Make It Baby" mentality leads to success in a Blended Family.
When I divorced my Ex Husband 19 years ago, my Mama Bear mentality went into overdrive. I was convinced that I was the only person who could love and protect Elle. Add to that my need to prove - I'm a good Mom even if I did divorce the father of my child....... My mantra became - Cross my kid - I'll make your life a living HELL!
Divorced Mom = Mama Bear on steroids! GRRR!!!
It's not just Divorced Moms, Divorced Dad's pretty much fall into the same trap when protecting their young.
Last week Dylan Farrow set off a fire storm when she penned an open letter about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Woody Allen. Woody responded with a letter of his own defending himself. Dylan responded with her response to his response. The he said/she said brought back memories of my daughter's journey five years ago after suffering emotional and physical abuse in her Dad's home. Although, not played out in the court of public opinion - who you believe becomes an issue in any accusation of abuse. You can read about Elle's by clicking here. 
HATE ALLOW REVICTIMIZATION - HERS, HIS AND OURS
Children of divorced parents - perhaps living in one or two blended families have yet another layer of complication to navigate if abuse is suspected.
Nineteen years ago I remember sitting next to my brother Jasper's bed as he lay in the ICU. The snow was softly falling without making a sound - it was deafening silent and yet peaceful and comforting at the same time. Inside the sound of his breathing machine hissed as it pumped up and down - the only thing keeping him alive. Three weeks earlier my brother walked into the emergency room complaining he couldn't breath. He would die TWICE on the table that day. Little did we know then that his life was spared only temporarily.
What do you say to your brother knowing it will be the last words he'll ever hear from you?
